However long it ’ s been , you ’ re not going to shock me ! My husband , Paul , and I work with loads of people all the time , so we know for a fact that the majority of people in long-term relationships ARE . NOT . HAVING . SEX .

Instead , many people tell us they feel like roommates or buddies with their spouse , but the heat , fire , and desire just aren ’ t there .

Or they ’ ve come to the painful realization that their partner doesn ’ t reach for them every time they walk by , and they miss the feeling of being desired . They miss those passionfilled nights of intimacy and how connected they felt afterwards .

It could be sex feels like a to-do list item now , meaning it ’ s one more thing they don ’ t have time to get to . If they are having sex , it ’ s blah ( instead of hot and exciting ), or they don ’ t feel sexy or turned on . In a lot of cases , it ’ s been so long since they had sex that starting things up again feels super uncomfortable .

It doesn ’ t help that everyone - in real life and in movies , books , and TV - insists that “ sex fades in a marriage !”

Factually speaking , sex does not “ just fade !” Case in point : Paul and I have been together for 27 years , we ’ re in our fifties , and we have passionate , outrageous sex all week long ! So what ’ s our secret ?

I ’ m going to tell you , but first , let me tell you what not to do .

Trite , broken and gimmicky tactics like planning a date night , buying some lingerie , flirting with your partner , or trying to seduce your partner – and I say this with love – will not get sex back on the table .

If you ’ ve tried that trite garbage , then you already know it ’ s not effective . Typically , either your partner is oblivious to your efforts ; or they get mad / upset or they reject you !

That means not only are you still not having the steamy sex and deep connection you crave , you ’ re also in tremendous pain because you made a bid for sensuality , and it was ignored , denied or rejected .

In our experience of helping thousands and thousands of people , there are only so many times people are willing to feel that kind of hurt , pain and rejection before they stop trying .

At that point in the relationship , a month without sex becomes three months without sex , then seven months since you ’ ve had sex , then a year and a half , and finally , years and years without sex . That ’ s when you start hearing from other people how “ normal ” it is for the passion to fade ( which is NOT true !).

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