58 www. AspireMAG. net | February / March 2017
JUST BEING ME IS THE ONLY THING I EVER HAVE TO DO TO BE LOVED.
jingling of any dog tags on any dog collar took my breath away. No idea that the last time I saw them would be the last time I saw them. Fun and happiness and pleasure were on hold indefinitely.
But then, a break. An unexpected encounter, a moment of awe. Sensation returning to my body. And there, my breath still held, I felt hunger for the first time.
And I cut my hair.
Florence, Italy. In Michaelangelo’ s gallery, bodies birthing themselves from rough and ragged chunks of marble. Unfinished Slaves, frozen in a state of self excavation. I, too, was carving myself back into life.
Shame and guilt stripped away, revealing my raw flesh. I reclaimed time lost: my unlived life. Forgiveness arrived, tentatively at first. Then— now— in bursts of disbelief. Inhabiting my life completely— no hiding, truly living— is unparalleled.
Once there was a marriage and now there is me.
What do I know now? I know that happiness, fun, pleasure are necessities. I know that loss is loss and grief is grief. I know that forgiveness is the gateway; freedom and love lie beyond. I know that nothing is better than living my life as it is happening. Meeting the miraculous moments as me— just me.
Just being me is the only thing I ever have to do to be loved.
I know that living on the other side of my greatest fear, I can do anything.
Endings and beginnings are kickstarts and catalysts. An invitation to a life I never knew was possible: this extraordinary life I am living now.
And above all else I know that no matter what I do or don’ t do, I am worthy. I offer my heart to you with the hope that it serves as a compass to lead you back to yourself, with an invitation to find and trust your own voice as you dive deeply into your desire.
being held and belonging it all changed the mood the pulse the pace the swelling the room itself was swollen grounded in trust as if my body was a napkin being pulled through a ring from the pelvis
58 www. AspireMAG. net | February / March 2017