In serving hundreds of women over the years in therapy , I ’ ve heard from many of them that they are seeking the “ three A ’ s ”:

Adult children are asking for acknowledgement from their parents that things weren ’ t always perfect in their childhood . What feels tricky for parents is the fear that if they acknowledge they ’ ve made mistakes , it means they are a bad parent . Not true ! You are human and no human is perfect . How would you do things differently now ? You can ’ t change the past , but being present with your daughter now can be the start of the healing journey towards reconciliation .

Are there pieces worth apologizing for ? What could you say if you apologized ? What tone could you use ? It ’ s understandably difficult to feel composed in the face of your adult daughter ’ s charged emotions about your relationship with them . Some will express anger or rage . Parents , in their own hurt , can respond defensively . How can you remain present and authentic in your apology ? Does it help you to soften by remembering that your daughter ’ s expression of emotion shows that they are hurting ?

What steps can you take to work on yourself and the relationship with your adult daughter ? Does it mean going to therapy or engaging a coach or mentor ? Is it about initiating family therapy with your adult child if they ’ re ready to engage in that way with you ? For so many parents , doing their own work is important to their own healing , regardless of whether reconciliation is possible .

Imagine that both you and your adult daughter have gaping wounds on your body . You are both injured and bleeding . That ’ s what estrangement feels like . The process to heal an injury like this takes intentional insight , action , and time . You can heal yourself and support your adult child ’ s healing . They deserve to get to know you as the person you are today .

KHARA CROSWAITE BRINDLE - Khara Croswaite Brindle is a licensed mental health therapist in private practice in Denver , Colorado . She holds various roles , including financial therapist , TEDx Speaker , burnout consultant , author , and professor . Her new book is Understanding Ruptured Mother-Daughter Relationships : Guiding the Adult Daughter ’ s Healing Journey through the Estrangement Energy Cycle ( Rowman & Littlefield , July 1 , 2023 ). Access therapeutic tools for adult children at estrangementenergycycle . com .

FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS