He will never leave me , and your loved ones will never leave you .

But , oh how I screamed that day . And , how hard I fought to keep my sanity .

Thank God I had my precious daughter to keep me anchored to the earth and my sanity . However , I was sure I would never be happy again-Would never have joy for the rest of my days . But , I did this one small thing - I put one foot in front of the other , even if I took ten steps back . Everyday , just one foot in front of the other , even if it was only one step . Or even , a tiny baby step .

I look back on those days , and I wonder at the fact that I survived the worst loss of all . Well , I know it was the power of my soul , and the power of the souls of those who loved me — Both in the physical , and non-physical realm . Not to mention the deep love of a God who wants me and you , to thrive .

In the beginning , when I was trying to heal the devastation I felt , I would do everything in honor of Sean .

Even getting up and getting dressed in the morning . “ This is for you , honey ” would be what I would say each and every time I needed to do something . Then , much later , I would say to myself , “ I think I can do this in honor of myself today . ” I knew my son was encouraging me to do this . I wasn ’ t leaving him behind but instead , I was learning to navigate my new world on my own soul power . A power that would need to sustain me in the years to come . It was the very start of me learning to honor myself for all that I was enduring , and all of who I was becoming .

And , unbecoming .

It could not be helped at this time , to take a deep look at my life . Were the people around me , the place I lived , the marriage I was in , the work I did - Was it supportive of me , of my heart and spirit ? Some of my life was so good , and some , not so much . It ’ s not the easiest thing to admit to yourself the things that are not working in your life , and it takes courage to change it . There are big risks in life , little ones , and then there are the absolutely necessary ones . In my case , it was not only necessary to end my longterm marriage , but it was imperative for my peace of mind and wellbeing . I didn ’ t know if I would be okay , but my soul did .

It was at that time that I had to admit to myself what I truly wanted in life — What I truly loved without auditing myself . I decided that I would be the only judge of my life , and the desires I had for it . It was the beginning