Aspire Magazine: Inspiration for a Woman's Soul.(TM) Oct/Nov2019 Aspire Magazine | Page 67
Attachment in Dating
It’s probably not surprising to hear that
those with secure attachment styles most
often end up in happy and prosperous
relationships. The good news is that your
attachment style is not set in stone. It can be
reshaped throughout your life. It can change
in a positive or negative way, depending on
the partner you are with. Therefore, you will
have the best chance of growing in a secure
direction yourself if you pick as secure a
partner as possible. Alternatively, you can
choose a partner who at the very least
recognizes his own insecure pattern and
wants to grow and change with you.
The Healthy Relationship
Healthy and successful relationships have
several core characteristics in common.
These relationships are defined by the
couple’s sense of safety and security,
empathy for each other, responsiveness to
In a healthy relationship, there is open,
assertive, and effective communication.
There are no games. Communication is
clear and direct. When healthy couples get
stuck or start arguing, they tend to address
what is underneath the surface. When
attachment-based triggers are activated in
such situations, an emotionally unavailable
partner will typically use deactivating
strategies — distancing thoughts and actions
— that cause him to turn away when you
need him the most. An emotionally available
partner will express his fears, longings, and
vulnerabilities to you instead of shutting
you out. In turn, it will feel safe for you to
do the same. When partners tap into their
vulnerabilities and share them, they can
come together to work through the problem.
They can both use coping skills to effectively
reduce their reactivity and overwhelming
emotions so that they can stay present and
engaged with each other and talk calmly.
When partners communicate in a healthy
way, they are able to get back on stable
ground relatively quickly after an argument.
Their equilibrium returns, and they carry on
without holding grudges.
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The field of neuroscience informs us that
our brains naturally scan for “danger” in
romantic relationships. This means you
are alert to threats to the relationship that
affect connection, intimacy, and closeness.
When you have a date with someone with
a secure attachment style, you will not
sense these threats. Your date will be calm
and predictable. You should not confuse
attachment system activation with love,
as many people do. When there are no
immediate alarms or bells and whistles, your
brain may not “code” it as love. Securely
attached people have a positive mind-set
about intimacy and relationships. They
expect things to work out for them in the
end. They anticipate meeting their match
and falling in love.
the other’s needs, and attitude of we-ness.
Each partner is attuned to the other, and
they both openly communicate. There is a
profound understanding and awareness of
each other. They count on each other and
believe firmly that each has the other’s back.
They also take emotional risks with each
other — they are not afraid to be vulnerable.
They have the courage to show each other
who they really are. Trust and safety are
built slowly and gradually from the beginning
of the relationship. In fact, this trust and
safety is the foundation the relationship is
built on. When it isn’t there at the start, the
relationship is built on a faulty foundation
and often never fully recovers.