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by making it clear to others how you expect to be treated. Successful boundaries offer respect to both sides.
Many co-parents have told me that they try to establish boundaries with the other co-parent, but those boundaries are rarely honored. The reason may be that neither co-parent knows what a boundary really is. When I asked my client, Brittani, why she felt her ex was not adhering to her boundary, she said,“ Because he won’ t listen to me!
He does whatever he wants!” But a boundary is not a behavior required from someone else. A boundary outlines how you will act.
How? One way is by saying yes when you mean no.“ I feel like a bad person if I say no.” Or“ They make me feel like a bad person if I say no.”
That’ s when boundaries get blurry— and then people aren’ t sure how to treat you. You’ ve lowered your own boundary bar to make someone else happy or possibly avoid conflict. But it doesn’ t always work. In fact, it can make things worse.
“ I’ ve been a people pleaser all my life,” another client told me.“ And, when I feel as if I am making someone angry, I can feel myself wavering. I’ ve told them not to treat me a certain way, but I let it slide so they will still like me. I’ ll do anything to make sure someone likes me, even if I don’ t like them.”
This is common behavior for estranged co-parents, and they don’ t only act like this with their co-parent, they do it with their children as well. After a break-up, parents are often deeply afraid that their children will like the other parent more. So they stop disciplining, or they simply don’ t stick to their guns.
FAMILY & RELATIONSHIPS
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